Category: Uncategorized

You are not one thing: why you’re lazy

The constant, daily struggle of a human being in a modern society is the following: “There’s stuff I need to do, even want to do, but at the same time it’s kind of a hassle and I don’t really want to do it now.” The one that almost everyone can relate to is exercise. You know that you want to do it, because you will feel great and be healthier and work off your stress (and so on), but it really is hard to start. The same for work, eating healthier, calling your parents, etc.

What do you say to yourself when you see this happening? You either say “I just don’t feel like doing it”, or you come up with some excuse, or you berate yourself for being lazy and unmotivated. But that’s not really true, is it? You know that you do want it, otherwise you would not feel bad about not doing it…

The reason it feels like there are two warring parts of you is because there are (more than two, in fact). The brain has many layers, that developed at different times, for different reasons. These parts are not all in harmony. The thing you like to think of as your “self” doesn’t exist – it is only an attempt by your left brain to make sense of everything in one, consistent narrative. (When you start really examining this narrative, it starts to break down. Meditation accomplishes this.) It doesn’t want to acknowledge that it arises from a cobbled-together union of competing neurological structures.

Take exercise as an example again. Is there any animal out there that sets aside a part of the day to go to the gym? Do you see antelopes practicing their sprints and building up their VO2-max? Of course not. “Exercise” and movement are used principally for two reasons: to get food and to avoid becoming food. Motivation is built right in. If you’re really hungry, and the closest food was a mile away, would it be hard to get yourself to walk that mile?

Instead of moving to get food, we nowadays move to compensate for the food we’ve eaten. When you’re warm, full and comfortable, The Old One (which is what I’m going to call that part of the brain) has absolutely no reason to go running about. Instead, it knows that nearly all its needs are met, especially if the fridge is full as well. It now wants to conserve energy, to make the food eaten last as long as possible. It is doing what it should – everything is going according to plan. It is not that you are lazy or unmotivated, but that an ancient and important part of you has other ideas. The same goes for work. Why would you want to go do challenging and uncomfortable things which stress you out, when your needs are already met?

We know that The Old One does not have the last say, because people do in fact sometimes go to the gym and accomplish amazing things at work. So the struggle is not hopeless. But maybe that struggle will get a little easier when you realize that not wanting to do certain things is not because you’re broken, but because some essential part of you is functioning perfectly. Which raises the question: how do we tilt the balance from The Old One to The Young Upstart?

A thought is just a…

When your mind is still as chaotic as mine, your meditation practice can veer from good sessions to bad ones quite haphazardly. Of course, this classification into “good” sessions (where the mind is still and a measure of peace is attained) and “bad” ones (where the monkey totally runs the show) is false, but that’s what it feels like. During one of those chaotic sessions, you try to apply willpower to quiet the mind, which practically never works. Recently I have made great progress in my practice (perhaps) by just not caring any more. I no longer try to control my mind; I just let it do its thing and return to my focus.

Many of us would have been taught to observe thoughts and just let them go. Unfortunately, when your understanding is as insufficient as mine, you try to do that actively. Since I have stopped trying to let the thoughts go, they just go.

Phenomena rise and fall, sensations come and go, and experiences should be observed for what they are – even the great pain that can come from long sessions of sitting. This led me to this blindingly obvious realization: a thought is just an experience. It is not you. It is not to be controlled, or stilled. It will come and go on its own, and you need have nothing to do with it.

What a relief.

Why does everybody have anxiety now?

Note: I am not a medical doctor, and you should consult your physician before taking any advice from some guy on the internet.

I always used to sleep easily and well. I could sleep through earthquakes, floods and the occasional alien abduction, for nine or ten hours at a stretch. Then, somewhere in my thirties, insomnia hit. Every now and then, I go through a period where sleep seems impossible for more than two or three hours a night. Four hours was a great night. You stumble through the day, just trying to cope. After a while, you feel as if you are disconnected from reality – everything is at a distance.

These days, I fall asleep quite easily, but then wake up in the small hours and can’t get back to sleep. This seems to happen to a lot of adults. Usually, you wake up stressed out and anxious, even though you might have gone to bed calm and relaxed.

This got me wondering, as I’m normally pretty easy going, and do not have abnormal amounts of stress. Sure, there is pressure on me, butI have a great job and am very happy with the work I do. In talking to friends of around the same age though, I started noticing that a lot of them are taking medication for anxiety. Some of them need to have that medication to fall asleep, or to sleep through the night. Most of these are people who seem to have stable incomes and happy home lives, so what could be the source of all this anxiety?

As we get older, the fact of our mortality weighs more heavily on us. At a certain age, you start realizing that you are simply not going to get to everything you want to, not even if you live the most optimal life possible. Your finitude becomes far more apparent. People close to you are coming down with conditions mostly associated with age. Your parents die or become enfeebled, offering you a glimpse of what is in store, should you be lucky enough to live that long.

Heavy stuff, to be sure. But this has always been the case throughout the history of humanity, yet people seem much more anxious in this day and age. Maybe something else is going on, in many of these cases?

When your car stops running, you should check to see if you’ve run out of gas before you even pop the hood. When you experience something that might be termed a mental problem, you should first look at the physical, in my opinion. This is what I did with my sleep and anxiety issues. I went through everything: getting more sun, avoiding screens, exercising a ton, wearing those goofy orange glasses, meditating more, spending more time in nature and so on. This made a marginal difference, but didn’t solve it. What has made the biggest difference has been something really, really simple: increasing my magnesium intake (to 400 mg or more a day). I’ve taken magnesium for sleeplessness before, but have more than doubled my dosage of magnesium glycinate (combined with a good vitamin B supplement), and I am sleeping better than in months. What is more, I’m more relaxed during the day and this leads to better and more enjoyable work.

A long walk to get to a simple point, because I think this is really important. Of course, you should investigate the pros and cons of this (especially how magnesium supplementation could interact with medication). For now, I might not have cured all of my existential dread, but at least I’m sleeping through the night.

Update: So, I’ve recently had another severe bout of insomnia. I’d changed brands of magnesium a few weeks ago as an experiment, and I think the new pills did not pack the same punch. However, I ran across recommendations to use glycine, and tried a large dose (6 grams) last night. Whilst I did wake up for a while in the early morning, the rest of the night I slept incredibly deeply, and finally woke up very refreshed. There are quite a few videos and articles about glycine out there, so do your research and add it to your stack if you find it useful. Apparently, it’s great for muscle recovery and skin tone, as well.

Update to the update: I discovered that my new magnesium brand does indeed not pack the punch I thought, and doubled the dose. I now also take 3 grams of glycine before bed and have 3 grams more ready by my bedside in case I wake up in the early morning. Honestly, I can’t remember when last I slept this well.

Lose yourself

Once again, I take inspiration from Sadhguru’s “Inner Engineering”, where he quotes the great Nijinsky on dancing:

“There is no way I can ever do it. When Nijinsky is not there, only then it happens.”

Above all, this is the meaning of the flow state. When truly in flow, you are liberated from yourself. This is the reason why it is commonly considered the peak human experience. It should not be confused with merely working hard or thinking – thinking is based on memory, which is what constitutes what you consider your personality, what you wrongly identify as the “self”. When you work without that self being present, you can enter into awareness rather than thought, and then the magic can happen…And when you can do this with every task, no matter how boring or onerous, my guess is that you are pretty close to ultimate freedom.

Happiness is a skill

What is the ultimate purpose of a spiritual practice? I’m sure there are many different valid answers, but I’d like to suggest that for the moment we assume that the point is to attain bliss.

The following quote from Sadghuru’s book “Karma” hit me hard:

“The human equation was always meant to be like this: to move from being to doing to having. This means we were never meant to act in order to find fulfillment. Fulfillment was seen as an inner condition. It could not be pursued externally. We act in order to express our fulfillment, not to acquire it. We act in order to celebrate our inner completeness, not to pursue it.”

Now, it would be nice if we could just flip to that state, but most of us cannot (yet). If we could, there would be no need for the concept of spiritual productivity. We would be blissful and fulfilled, and act effectively from there. We would no longer need to react to the world, but could act from our true nature. There would be no resistance to any action that needed to be performed, because there would be no deviation from a blissful state, with no preference expressed. The problem is that we simply do not have the capacity for fulfillment that is required.

Therefore, the state has to be cultivated. This is tricky, because if we try to cultivate it by performing physical actions, we start relying on those physical actions to bring us satisfaction, which means the state is conditional. The answer, in my opinion, is awareness. Notice your preferences when or before performing any action. Notice your resistance to, or eagerness for, the action or condition. When you can discern between the observer and the preference, you can start to notice the gap between consciousness and mind. When that happens, you can start to rest in the blissful consciousness while the mind does its thing. Your job then becomes increasing the gap, and watching like a hawk for when it disappears.

Only when you start to realize that there is nothing you can do to attain fulfillment can you truly start to act.

Spiritual productivity/productive spirituality

I like to be productive. Looking back over a day well spent puts a big grin on my face. Often though, I am bullshitting myself. Nothing was actually accomplished. I managed to tick off all the tasks on my list, but was anything accomplished that would make a difference a few years from now? Usually not. This is like trying to satiate your hunger with chocolate: it’ll work in the short term, but there is a price to pay.

So, what is important? What should you be spending your time on? I contend that refining your mind and building your character are two of the most important things you can do in life. To put that another, less secular way: spiritual practice. How often do we wish that we could only have more time for meditation/yoga/Taiji/philosophy, etc.? How many times have you started a meditation practice, or bought a spiritual book, or signed up for an online course, only to have the pressures of work and family keep you from continuing or finishing? Do you dream of a day when you’ll have enough time and money to truly achieve your spiritual goals?

I have some really good news for you. You’re never going to have the time and money for that. The more money you have, the more your responsibilities seem to escalate, and as for time, we know that work expands to fill the available amount. Don’t think you’re going to retire and meditate four hours a day either. But here’s the thing: you don’t need it. Spiritual practice isn’t sitting in meditation (at least, not only that), it’s everything else.

To put this another way: your life is your spiritual path. Sitting practice (what most of us would call meditation) is great, and you should as much as you can. But spirituality isn’t about becoming an enlightened being for a few minutes or hours each day. It is about being that way all the time. And the best way to practice this is in real life. Every time your boss (or spouse or child or customer) irritates you, that’s the work knocking on your door. If you’re irritated and you wish you could escape into meditation, it means you don’t need more meditation, you need to find your serenity right here.

This implies that we might want to treat work differently. The purpose is not to get done as much as possible, but to use the work as a tool for growth. There is no separation between going to the office and sitting in meditation – they’re complementary tools toward the same goal. If you attain peace in meditation, but are a dick at the office, have you made any progress?

There is a lot to explore here, and I would like to make that the focus of this blog from now on. Are success and ambition incompatible with spiritual practice? Will turning into a total hippie not decrease my chances of promotion? What if I think my company is evil, but I need the paycheck? Is it okay to be a billionaire? Tough questions, but they all have answers. Let’s go find them.

The liberation of death

This might seem incredibly morbid, but stick with me here. I am not going to talk about the sweet release of death, but rather how death can improve your life right now. This is nothing new – the idea of a memento mori is popular, and useful. I will however give a slightly different take on death as a life-enhancing consideration.

The usual way that death is used to enhance your life is the following: “Your time is limited! You must do as much as possible before your time runs out! If you don’t do it now, you will never do it!” My approach would counter that with, “If you’re not doing it now, is it really worth it?”

There is great freedom in realizing that you are old already and heading towards death at a steady and irreversible rate. Sure, you might be able to extend your life by a few years, and you should pay attention to health, but do you honestly want to spend your time here doing nothing but trying to increase your time here? (If you are doing it in service, so that others may have longer and healthier lives, sure – go right ahead. That is a noble undertaking. If, however, your main purpose is increasing your own longevity, you might want to re-examine your priorities.)

Now, there is this concept of a “bucket list”, all the things you want to do before you die. A beach in Thailand? “Oh yes, that’s on my bucket list.” Learning to play the guitar? “Yup, on my bucket list.” In essence then, a bucket list is a list of things that would be nice, but that you cannot be arsed to do now. I propose the following. Set a bucket list, and then cross off all those things that you cannot start doing right now. Then start doing them.

Want to learn to play that guitar one day? Forget about it, unless you are willing to start doing it now.

A necessary consequence of this approach is that you should reduce your number of wants. As Oliver Burkeman points out so eloquently in “Four Thousand Weeks”, the illusion that we can do everything that we want to if only we optimize our time is pernicious, and prevents us from attaining the full meaning an activity will only assume if we choose it above others.

I started writing this post before beginning Burkeman’s book. Turns out, he managed to say what I was trying to say a thousand times more eloquently. Go read that, instead. I’m naming it my Book of the Month.

On anti-productivity

I just watched a video on YouTube of a man with an absolutely ferocious schedule. He gets up at 3:30 am, works many hours and trains physically several times a day. He is in bed by eight. Now, clearly this man is terribly productive and very healthy, and looks the part. It also sounds like a bloody awful way to live.

I am sure he feels great, every day, and wants you to adopt a similar schedule, so that you too can be as productive as he is. But why? Is the point of our existence to become better and better machines? He will probably live longer than me (though honestly, there is still a lot we don’t know about that) and make much, much more money than me. But where is he going with that? What is the purpose?

My suspicion is that this man will not leave behind anything of lasting value when his ultra-productive life is done. No great books, no works of art, no revolutionary ideas. (I am addressing mostly material things here; perhaps he will leave a legacy of fantastic altruism and a profound impact on those close to him.) This is not to say that such is the sole measure of a human life. But surely, if you are that productive, you would want to leave the world with something more than a plethora of ticked boxes.

This idea that we must be better, better, better is a conceit born of the ego. The obvious downside is that, when you operate from the ego, nothing is ever enough. When you get right down to it, this kind of insane effort is usually a result of some deficiency in your programming (and you should probably look into shadow work).

I have tried being very productive. I have joined the 5 am Club, I have read many, many books on the subject and implemented their techniques, and I have endlessly castigated myself for not having enough motivation and drive and being a lazy bastard. I might even go as far as to say that I have loathed myself for not being more, not living up to my potential (what is that, anyway?). Fortunately, after years of that, I am starting to grow out of it.

I have read many biographies of people who have indeed left a lasting impression on this world. Not a single one has had this focus on crazy productivity. GH Hardy used to work from nine until one, then watched the cricket. A recent Fields medal winner (June Huh) finds it hard to work more than three hours a day. Einstein was famous for playing his violin, sleeping late and generally buggering aimlessly about quite a lot. These people were not lazy, and maximized their time working, but did not feel the need to be superhuman.

Do you want to be the best in your field? If so, why? Look deeply into yourself and ask whether this is not born of fear, of the need to be accepted, to be adulated, to finally win approval. Ask yourself when this is going to be enough. Then go read Moore on your archetypes.

Once, I wanted to be the best. The problem with that is that you will never achieve it, and you will be miserable for the rest of your life. By letting go of that stupid desire, I am actually better than I was before, and so much happier.

Ask yourself what the end-game is. I myself don’t ask for too much, although it is still a lot, I suppose. I want a large part of my time taken up by flaneuring. I want to stroll in an attractive city (with no smartwatch counting my steps) and read a great classic of literature while having absurdly strong coffee. I want to meander in a forest sometimes and go sit on a rock, without necessarily thinking any deep thoughts. I want to come home to my wife and cook a simple but delicious meal, which may even contain some gluten or sugar. I want to have a snifter of whisky without worrying that the next day I might not be Superman. I want to get tipsy sometimes and have absurdly wonderful conversations. Will I always feel as great as that YouTuber? No, and that is perfectly fine, since I will not flagellate myself for not always being optimal.

If that is true, why do I want to hunt down flow? Easy: the more flow I get, the less time I need to spend at my desk. I love working, but a part of coming up with ideas that matter is strolling aimlessly down the sidewalk or in the woods. I want to think deeply on ideas without needing to produce something afterwards – the mere comprehension of a great idea is already a cause for deep inner satisfaction. Truly understanding a scientific or mathematical principle is an inner treasure beyond price.

We live in a fucked-up time. We enjoy unparalleled prosperity in this world. Yes, things may sometimes seem bleak, but honestly, there has never been a better time on earth, according to many metrics (despite the notable things that have gone badly wrong recently). But one reason for that prosperity is that we have had to become rabid consumers. In this consumerist mindset, we have been turning ourselves into products. Just like your iPhone, you need continual upgrades, bells and whistles. I have seen some authority on the internet showing a method of watching television productively by speeding it up until he got to the exciting bits. I think he missed the entire point of television completely.

My final response to all of this is: I’m going to take a nap now. Then, Scotch.

Take the time

We all have many tasks. We all want them done quickly, so we can move on to the next task, which is usually quite similar to the old one. I used to think that the most important measure of my productivity was how quickly I could turn over tasks. But at some point you realize that you have done very similar things before, and will probably need to do them again.

This is why I have had to discipline myself to go slower. Not so that the task itself will necessarily end up better, but so the next similar task is easier. The way to do this is to focus on how the task is done, or even (on another level), how you manage your tasks.

Take coding, for example. I’ve recently had to write a bunch of Python scripts that run relatively similar simulations. Now, these are all fairly easy to write and debug, so none takes that long. However, it turns out that I had to write quite a few more, to model slight changes, add in some more variables, and that kind of thing. Again, these were not difficult to write. Stepping back though, I saw how much time I wasted. I took the easy option of writing each with very low-level code. Had I taken the time when I realized I was going to have to do this over and over to write some modules that I could import to each case and used classes in Python properly, I would have saved myself many days of pointless coding. Yes, it would have taken a lot more time initially to write with greater generality, but eventually I would not have the mess I have now, and would very easily be able to handle any new requirements. As it is, I’m going to have to go back and rewrite it all in a way I’m not embarrassed of.

Going up a level, I am spending today working on getting to know Notion and Obsidian well, rather than actually working on my current project. Part of me is extremely uncomfortable with not making progress on the project today, but I know that this investment of time will help all my projects in future. I need better project and knowledge management, and these are the tools I have chosen for the job. But using them when you’re not good at them is terribly frustrating, and so I end up not using them at all (Notion more so; Obsidian is pretty easy, but there’s still a lot to learn).

One might ask whether it would not be better to just use these tools a little bit each day, to get good at them over time. Certain tasks are not amenable to this approach. Some things you just have to sit down for a few days with, and place everything else on hold. Slow, incremental improvement works for some things but not others, and besides, is boring as hell.

I have some bad news

There are a lot of people out there who are unhappy in their work. The bemoan that they have missed their purpose, that nobody understands how creative they are, that their talents are overlooked. Now, there certainly are people in shitty jobs, where there is minuscule chance of satisfaction, promotion or joy. But I suspect that at least half the people who hate their jobs have one thing in common: they’re not very good at it. Pay attention – this could be you. For a while, it was certainly me.

Now, I’m not saying you’re lazy. You could be doing a lot of things, you might just not be doing them very well.

Apart from Deep Work, Cal Newport wrote another important book: So Good They Can’t Ignore You. Whilst you may initially think of this as a book about success, it is really about a more important issue – life satisfaction. He makes the very important point that following your passion is often a terrible idea, especially when that passion is an idealized version of something you are not actually very good at. This is why you should not quit your job as a civil engineer to open a Crossfit box.

When you think about it, when do you find something fulfilling and enjoyable? If you like chess, you may spend time occasionally playing a friend at about the same level, or sparring against a computer at a low setting. But if you could only play Grandmasters, your enthusiasm would quickly wane, because your ass would be kicked up and down the board, continually. (I recently found this out when I played a new chess program on my computer with Stockfish set to the highest level. It was carnage.) You would be so outclassed that you probably wouldn’t even achieve any real progress.

On the other hand, the things you are really good at usually turn out to be pretty fun, but only if you do them at the right level. Playing chess against your three-year-old will get boring fast (unless she’s some kind of prodigy). Playing against someone slightly better than you is much better, and the occasional win keeps you coming back for more. But staying at that level is not satisfying, especially when you see the magnificent games other people are playing…

What I’m saying is that your job could get more enjoyable by you getting better at it. Don’t try to be the best there’s ever been: that’s an external and discouraging focus. Pick small challenges. Improve in little ways (this is where flow’s challenge/skills balance comes in). I increased my own job satisfaction by, for instance, learning to type properly and quickly, and by learning enough coding to automate some onerous tasks that I had to repeat again and again. People start noticing your increased proficiency, you start taking some pride in your work, and little by little, satisfaction increases. Small wins accumulate. Soon, you’re ready for bigger shifts…

On the other hand, sometimes you’re not successful at what you’re doing because you’re doing completely the wrong thing. That is a much more complex topic, which we will leave for later.